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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769327">Be the First One to Break</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterschild/pseuds/winterschild'>winterschild</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>X Factor Judge Louis and his Stupid Boyfriend Harry [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Exes to Lovers, FTDT, Famous Harry, Famous Louis Tomlinson, Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Insecure Louis, M/M, Makeup, Post-One Direction, Song: From the Dining Table, Song: Just a Little Bit of Your Heart, Songfic, Still Can't Believe That's Not a Tag Yet, X Factor Judge Louis Tomlinson, someone finally explains what happened at that blasted dining table</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:40:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterschild/pseuds/winterschild</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Louis blinked back the tears that started to build and took a sip of his tea.  He tried to let the thoughts trickle from his head but he couldn't.  “Who was it?”</p><p>Harry let his eyes drag back up to Louis.  “Who do you mean?”</p><p>“Who did you see wearing my shirt?”"</p><p>~</p><p>When a contestant auditions for the X-Factor in front of Louis Tomlinson with the song "Just a Little Bit of Your Heart," it triggers some deep, dark emotions within Louis.  Louis relives his breakup with Harry and what happened at that dining table four years previous when they got back together.  It takes Harry Styles to bring his boy back from the past.</p><p>Or</p><p>We find out what happened at the stupid dining table--kinda.</p><p>Title taken from "From the Dining Table" by Harry Styles<br/>*Part of the X Factor Judge Louis and his Stupid Boyfriend Harry Series.  Can be read separately, but recommend reading all for reference.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>X Factor Judge Louis and his Stupid Boyfriend Harry [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>161</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Be the First One to Break</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                “And what’s your name, love,” Louis asked excitedly.  He sat at the Judges’ Table watching the young girl on stage grip a microphone tightly.  He remembered what it had felt like when he took that stage in 2010, nervous and scared.  Standing in front of some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry was never easy, especially if it was being broadcasted live in front of thousands of people.</p><p>                The girl mirrored his expression, building up confidence easily, “My name is Jade!”</p><p>                “Where are you from and how old are you, Jade,” Simon questioned next.</p><p>                She dragged her eyes from Louis to look at the man on his left.  “I’m 17 and I’m from Holmes Chapel.”</p><p>                “Ah,” Louis chuckled, “a woman after me own heart!”  The crowd laughed, as did the girl on the stage.  “Did you happen to work in a bakery, love?”</p><p>                Jade shook her head, all anxious tension seemingly leaving her body, “I didn’t, Mr. Tomlinson.  Though I kinda wish I did.  I heard it worked out well for the last bloke.”  It was Louis’ turn to laugh, a massive grin overtaking his expression as he thought of the boy back home, who was probably working with Mitch on some new lyrics.</p><p>                Ayda seemed as amused as Louis was, retorting, “So you’re familiar with One Direction then?”</p><p>                “Yes.  They’re, like, my favourite band of all time.”</p><p>                This caused a blush to flood Louis’ cheeks as Ayda continued, “Ah, so seeing Louis here and in person must be a pretty cool moment?”</p><p>                “Better than cool,” Jade admitted, a sense of shyness coming back over her.  “You’re actually my favourite member of One Direction, so I’m a little nervous.”  Ayda and Robbie cooed, while Simon smirked at the Doncaster lad.</p><p>                Louis replied, “Nothing to be afraid of, love.  I’m just another guy, but I appreciate the support darling.  What are you gonna be singing for us today?”</p><p>                “I’ll be singing, um, ‘Just a Little Bit of Your Heart’ by Ariana Grande today.”</p><p>                “Brilliant song,” Simon commented.  “Go ahead, then.”  Louis had begun to sweat, being familiar with the song his boyfriend had written during a rough patch early in their relationship.  It had been the beginning of the stunts—the beginning of a downfall between Louis and Harry.  2013 hadn’t been an easy year for Louis or Harry, but, like he always did, Harry hid much more than Louis had originally been privy too.  Hell, Harry hadn’t even told Louis about the song until he heard Ariana perform it on her new album—as far he knew, it was just another sad love song.</p><p>                <em>“What do you mean you wrote this song, H</em>,” Louis remembers himself asking Harry one night when the song came up on shuffle.  Louis also remembers the way Harry picked at the leftover nail polish management had requested he take off, his shoulders sagging in despair.</p><p>                <em>“I wrote it about you, Lou,” </em>Harry had answered honestly, shrugging his shoulders like he hadn’t just broken Louis’ heart to pieces.  The song was so raw and depressing, reminding Louis that they weren’t free and, for the foreseeable future, weren’t going to be.   While Louis was playing pretend with Eleanor, Harry was alone, and apparently thinking that he didn’t have Louis’ entire heart.  Louis knew that the whole “fake girlfriend” thing was a bad idea from the beginning and that Harry wasn’t happy with the idea of sharing his boyfriend; he had come home to find Harry crying clutching his pillow enough times to make that obvious.  However, he never knew Harry had been doubting his love for him.  That night was the first night Louis had devised a plan to get rid of the fake relationship; he had gone to management the next day requesting that it finally come to end and move forward towards coming out.  Now, however, was not the time for Louis to get lost in his dark thoughts.  He had a hopeful girl on stage, gearing up to sing the song that had caused so much destruction in his life previously—it was her turn to take the spotlight. </p><p>                Jade geared up her performance, singing the beginning notes beautifully:</p><p>                <span class="u">“I don’t ever ask you where you’ve been,</span></p><p>                <span class="u">And I don’t feel the need to know who you’re with.</span></p><p>                <span class="u">I can’t even think straight but I can tell, t</span><span class="u">hat you were just with her—".</span></p><p>                Jade made her way into the chorus with a smooth tone, hitting the correct notes and adding a little rasp where Harry normally would when he sang this song.  As she continued into the second verse, Louis noticed a pressure build up behind his eyes.  He willed the tears away, but the farther she got into the song, the harder it became to resist the urge.</p><p>                <span class="u">“I know I’m not your only, but at least I’m one.</span></p><p>                <span class="u">I heard a little love is better than none.”</span></p><p>                And Louis broke.  The first tear felt warm on his cheek, his lips trembling ever so slightly as he prayed the cameras were focused on Jade.  However, if Louis knew how this show worked, he would know that the camera was zoomed on him dabbing the corner of his eyes before more tears could fall. </p><p>                Jade hit the high note brilliantly, a proud cheer erupting from the crowd.  Louis was on his feet before anyone else, offering an applaud to the 17-year-old.  The crowd soon joined him, as did Ayda, who was offering Louis a friendly smile.  Eventually, the cheering calmed down, Louis sitting down as he noticed her overwhelming happiness from the stage.</p><p>                Robbie was the first to comment, a huge grin plastered on his face, “Wow, Jade!  Wow!  That was amazing, love!  I can see you obviously blew the minds of a few people here.  Great performance.  Amazing voice.”</p><p>                “Thank you, Robbie,” she revelled.</p><p>                “Honestly Jade,” Ayda followed, “I could feel the emotions that song conveyed through your voice.  It takes a very special performer to elicit emotions that they didn’t write, but I can tell that you had no problem doing that, dear.  Brilliant, brilliant job.”</p><p>                Simon continued quickly, “I have to agree with Ayda here, Jade.  Not only do you have a brilliant voice, but your stage presence is stunning, even as young as you are. I was impressed.”  The crowd cheered at that statement, considering it was something positive from the most critical man in the industry.  “I will say, Jade, that improvement can always be made,” the crowd began to boo, “<em>but</em> that’s just natural.  Overall, a great performance.”  Jade nodded in response, giving Simon a cheeky grin as she thanked him.</p><p>                The attention turned to Louis, who was still fighting the frog in his throat and the tears in his eyes.  “Jade,” he began, only a little worn, “I’ve heard that song sung too many times to count by now, and I can say I always am a little critical when anyone else tries to sing it.”</p><p>                “Obviously,” she giggled.  “You’ve heard a God sing it.”</p><p>                The tension in Louis’ shoulders eased, “You’re right, but don’t let him hear you say that.  His narcissism will go straight through the roof.  Anyway, I am critical when people sing that song, but I can honestly say that your performance was an amazing example of how that song is supposed to be sung.”  The crowd went mad with cheers.  “I’m going to piggyback off Ayda and Simon here, but I could tell that you feel for that song strongly and it holds emotions for you as well as it does for the songwriter.  You did a brilliant job and I know that a certain Holmes Chapel lad would agree with me.”  Louis had noticed Jade began to tear up at his compliments, but it seemed mentioning Harry was a final straw for her as her tears began to flow freely.  He was out of his seat before he could realize what he was doing, walking over to the girl on stage.</p><p>                “Aw, love, it’s okay.  I’m hoping those are happy tears,” he chuckled, pulling her into a hug as she wrapped her arms around his waist.  “Gimme a cuddle there, love, it’s okay.”    She kept muttering thank yous into his neck before he pulled her away and sent her back to the middle of the stage.  Simon patted his back when he resumed his spot next to him and Louis sent him a friendly smile.</p><p>                “Well, I think it’s safe to say we know your answer here, Jade,” Robbie joked as the contestant wiped the tears from her face smiling.  “But shall we go down the line?  I’ll start here and I’m going to give you a yes, doll.  Ayda?”</p><p>                The woman smiled kindly before saying, “It’s definitely a yes from me, dear.  Brilliant performance.  I can’t wait to see what else you do with us.”</p><p>                “Louis?”</p><p>                “One hundred percent yes, love.  You’re going to smash it!”  The crowd cheered even louder, and Jade was looking on with shock.</p><p>                “Not that it’ll change anything, but I’d say you got your fourth yes,” Simon grinned, looking up to the hopeful girl who looked like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  She began to thank the judges profusely, claiming that they wouldn’t regret it, before running backstage to probably hug her family.  Even though Louis was smiling, a nagging feeling was still pulling at his heart, but he tried his hardest to ignore it for the rest of the workday.</p><p>                That nagging feeling didn’t really dissipate as the day went on, and when Louis got home after a long, but successful day of auditions, he plopped onto his couch immediately after he entered their home.  He fell face-first into the cushions, hearing the jingling on Clifford and Bruce’s dog collars but not feeling motivated to move.  Louis felt who he assumed was Clifford nudging his leg that hung over the side of the couch, but it was the barking that finally picked Louis up from his position. </p><p>                Louis readjusted himself to sit up, petting Cliff’s head soothingly, offering the pup a sad smile; Cliff seemed to sense something was off as he climbed onto Louis’ lap.  “Aw,” Louis cooed, “aren’t you just the best boy?”  Cliff barked before licking his face happily; Louis looked down at Bruce who was at his feet.  “You too, Bruce.  You’re a good boy, too.”  After some much-needed cuddles with his pup, Louis pulled out his phone to check his messages from Harry.</p><p>                <em>“I should be home around 10.  Eat dinner without me, love,”</em> Harry had sent.  Louis glanced at the clock to see it was only seven, meaning he had three hours to sulk about his sour mood before he had to cover it up.  The man stood from the couch, kicking off his shoes and trudging to the kitchen.  He quickly filled the dogs’ food and water bowls, calling for his two children to eat dinner.</p><p>                Louis decided it would be smart to make himself something for dinner as well, considering he skipped lunch.  Louis threw a pot noodle into the microwave after adding water and just leaned against the counter until the three minutes were up, watching the bowl rotate round and round as he thought. </p><p>                It had been a while since he thought of the past mistakes with Harry.  When the couple had reunited in 2017, they had both agreed to forgive the past and avoid bringing it up unless it was bothering one of them.  Up until today, the only other time they had discussed their past faults was when <em>Fine Line</em> was released as several songs addressed those faults, not that the fans knew exactly what those were.  However, Louis couldn’t stop the thoughts from running.  Harry had been screaming out for Louis for years and Louis had completely missed it.  Where he thought he was protecting Harry, he was, realistically, just hurting him.  And Louis <em>really</em> hated that thought because that was when the spiralling began.</p><p>                The beeping of the microwave snapped him out of his thoughts as he moved languidly to retrieve the food.  He pulled out a fork, too lazy to use chopsticks, and made his way back into the living room.  The lights were all off, the sun just barely peeking over the horizon to cast a shadow in the low lighting.  Louis loaded up YouTube on the television, searching for a “Just a Little Bit of Your Heart” performance playlist, settling on one with around 30 videos.  When the first one loaded up, he saw Harry in a baby blue suit, his hair fluffy and a guitar strapped around his body.  His deep, silky voice moved into the first verse, much like Jade’s had earlier today.  It was in that moment that his mind wandered back to their conversation four years ago.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>                Louis was shaking—not in the way that his body was cold; it wasn’t a simple shiver that he could quickly resolve with the help of a jumper or jacket.  Realistically, it was fucking hot outside in Los Angeles, so much so that Louis was sweating in his jean shorts and t-shirt.  Although, that sweat could be the result of his nervousness; it’s not every day that you meet up with your ex-boyfriend that you still happen to be so insanely in love with.  That was, obviously, the reason why Louis’ fingers were trembling and legs were unsteady.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>                He took in another shaky breath, running his hands over his face and into his hair, no doubt messing up what he had so meticulously styled earlier.  He had initiated this—Louis had reached out to Harry last week to meet up and have a conversation with him.  After another writing session where he couldn’t wrap his head around lyrics that weren’t about Harry, he had texted the number he still had saved praying that Harry had kept it; he had.  Louis wanted to just back out of the driveway and never look back, but he initiated this, and Harry was inside, and Louis wasn’t backing out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                With one last unsteady breath, Louis exited the car and looked towards the front door he had walked through so many times previously.  He slowly made his way to the front door, placing three unnerving knocks with the knocker.  The Donny lad waited patiently, hands crossed in front of himself and rocking on his feet.  After half a minute, the door unlatched and there he was in all his beautiful glory: Harry Styles.  Boyfriend of five years, ex-boyfriend of two years, love of his life of seven years.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                He looked even more stunning than Louis remembered.  Louis had known Harry had cut his hair—he had seen the pictures—but this was only the second time he was seeing it in real-life.  The first time had been the X-Factor performance after Jay had passed, and it's not like Louis was really paying attention to anything that night.  It was weird.  Louis remembers when Harry had told him he wanted to grow it out to donate but he was too afraid to do it himself.  Management might have controlled how feminine Harry could dress or whether he painted his nails or what accessories he wore, but one thing they could never do was force Harry to cut his hair.  So, his hair became the only form of self-expression he had.  Louis had grown out his hair too to make sure he wasn’t alone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                This look, though, stopped Louis’ lungs from breathing.  It wasn’t extremely short, very similar to when Harry had first cut his curls in 2012.  The top was long enough to push back without any product while the sides curled delicately into themselves.  A single strand fell onto his blemish-less forehead, framing his face perfectly.  He was dressed casually in a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, but of course, it didn’t take away from how glamorous he looked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Green met blue, just as it had seven years previous.  Same green eyes.  Check.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                The deep timbre of Harry’s voice caught him from his staring as he chuckled, “You could’ve just entered, Louis.  This was your home too at one point.”  The way Harry stated it so casually chilled Louis’ spine as if they hadn’t just spent the past two years ignoring each other.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Was, Harry, it was.  It’s—uh—not anymore.  Didn’t wanna be rude,” he stuttered, breaking eye contact with the Cheshire lad.  Harry let out a sigh before stepping over, offering Louis to come in.  Louis did, lifting his head to look for any changes that had been made.  It turns out, apparently, that there weren’t many.  “Haven’t changed much, no?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry shrugged, “Haven’t really been here too often to do so.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You’ve been on the road, yeah?  Or have you just been staying in London instead?”  He looked up at Harry expectantly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry worried his lip between his teeth.  “You know I haven’t been staying in London, Lou.  Can’t stand being in that house alone.”  It was the house they had bought together in 2013. It was going to be their family home.  Harry had never liked London much, but it was convenient for him and Louis, and as long as he had Louis, then he would be okay.  That’s what he had told Louis.  In their defence, neither ever saw themselves not together.  A few awkward moments floated in the air between them, which killed Louis, because it had never been awkward.  Finally, Harry broke it, “Why don’t we go sit?  I’ve made tea for you; we can chat?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis nodded and followed Harry through the halls; despite not being here for two years, Louis hadn’t forgotten a single detail.  He especially hadn’t forgotten the detail of their first picture being framed on the wall in a beautiful silver frame, so when Louis saw it still hanging there, he gasped.  It startled Harry, who turned around confused.  When he saw what Louis had seen, his expression had softened drastically, forming a small smile.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You still have it hanging up.”  It wasn’t a question as much as it was a surprising statement.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry chuckled lightly, “Of course I do.  They’re all still hanging up, Lou.”  And for the first time since he entered the hallway, Louis truly looked to find that, yes, there they were among the various other family pictures.  The picture from their first anniversary.  The picture Niall snapped of them in Brazil.  The picture of them in front of Madison Square Garden with their mothers.  Every single one was still hanging up and Louis had to choke down a sob.  Here Louis had spent the past two years thinking Harry hated that—that Harry had fallen out of love and never wanted to see him again.  He was wrong.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Come on, Lou.  Tea’ll get cold.”  They found their place at the dining table, and Louis made a verbal note that it was a different dining table than the one they had two years ago.  “Uh, yeah.  That did change.  It was hard eating at the old one after—”  The rest went unsaid.  Louis just nodded.  Another moment passed between them.  “It was nice hearing from you.  It’s been a minute.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Yeah.  I listened to your album.  It’s beautiful, H.  Really is something.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry scratched the tip of his nose, one of those nervous ticks he had picked up on over the years.  “What—uh.  What was your favourite song?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis chuckled, thinking back to one of the many times he had listened to it in the past week.  "I think I’d definitely have to say ‘Carolina’ has grown on me.”  He could tell Harry was shocked by his answer with the way his eyebrow rose.  “I suppose, though, um, I quite enjoy ‘From the Dining Table’ as well.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Yeah.  It’s a good song.  Hard one to sing sometimes, but I liked it enough to put it on the album.”  Harry was suddenly entranced by the chipping nail polish on his thumbnail.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis blinked back the tears that started to build and took a sip of his tea.  He tried to let the thoughts trickle from his head, but he couldn’t.  “Who was it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry let his eyes drag back up to Louis.  “Who do you mean?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Who did you see wearing my shirt?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis watched as Harry visibly swallowed the lump in his throat.  “I went to a party with Camille and Danielle had been there.  I think it was one of the shirts I had left behind.  We had a lot of similar shirts back then, you know?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Oh,” Louis resigned, catching interest in Harry’s hands again.  “I think I remember that.  She mentioned she saw you.  I didn’t know she had talked to you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry shrugged, “I asked.  Wanted to see how you had been.”  The moment dragged on for far longer than Louis had wished for, but thankfully it didn’t last a second more than it had to.  “You broke.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis’ brow furrowed as he lifted his eyes from the table to meet Harry’s.  “What do you mean?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You texted me first.  You were the first one to break.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “I missed you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                For the first time that evening, a genuine smile came across Harry’s face as he responded, “Fuck, Lou.  I missed you too.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>~</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>                Harry was now in one of his sparkly, sheer shirts—specifically the lilac one.  He had a different guitar this time, and his hair was slightly longer, but God he looked just as beautiful.  He started the familiar strum of “Just a Little Bit of Your Heart” and Louis just listened.  He listened to the crowd sing along with the “ohs” as Harry smiled happily to the ones in front of him.  Harry always belonged on a stage, and it was moments like these that he knew that.</p><p>                The couple had truly grown exponentially in the past four years.  They had gone from best friends to lovers to boyfriends again, eventually moving back in with one another.  Thankfully, with how life had panned out with the One Direction reunion, they were able to sell Louis’ house on the public market while he moved his things back into his and Harry’s original London home.  If there were pictures of the moving van arriving at Harry’s in <em>The Sun</em>, then it was nobody’s business but their own.</p><p>                Thankfully, they were able to overcome all their past struggles and work on them together.  They had both become adults and more mature in the two years that had past not speaking to each other.  They had experienced life apart from one another and both concluded, in their own time, that they didn’t want to live without each other.  And while there was a fine line of communication they had to walk to guarantee they would last, both men agreed it would be worth it in the end.</p><p>                Before Louis had realized, the next video began and it was not Harry performing “Just a Little Bit of Your Heart” but “From the Dining Table,” and tears sprang from Louis’ stormy eyes.  He began to gasp from his rickety breathing and Clifford was up in an instant, climbing into Louis’ lap at the sudden sounds.  His hands came up to cradle his head, allowing the wetness to soak his cheeks.  Normally Louis hated the feeling on the tears on his cheeks, but he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it.  In the background, the song continued to play:</p><p>                <span class="u">“Comfortable silence is so overrated,</span></p><p>                <span class="u">Why won’t you ever be the first one to break?</span></p><p>                <span class="u">Even my phone misses your call.”</span></p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>                “I still want you in my life, Louis,” Harry admitted, pulling his lip between his teeth.  “I know it’s probably a loaded statement, and I know there’s a lot we have to work out first, but I want to.  I spent these past two years thinking about you and I can’t not have you in my life.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis just listened to Harry rasp out an explanation.  Obviously, Louis reaching out to Harry meant that he wanted him in his life too, but he didn’t know in what way, so he said that.  “I want you in my life too, H.  I really do.  But maybe just as friends for now, yeah?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry nodded.  “I’d take anything, Lou.  I know things didn’t end how we wanted them to, but you’re still my best friend.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You’re mine, too, H.  Always have been; always will be.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “So, where do we start?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis smiled genuinely at Harry, relieved that he was willing to at least try.  “Well, I think there are some things we should discuss first.  Boundaries and stuff, yeah?”  Harry nodded.  “Okay, well I’m single and I think you are too.  And honestly, H, I don’t think I’d be able to keep my hands off ya if I tried, so I’d still like to cuddle with you if that’s alright?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry breathed out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank God.  I was literally thinking of that since you walked in.  I’m completely fine with that, Lou.  I really missed your cuddles.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “I missed yours too, H.”  Louis wanted to address the elephant in the room that was their breakup, but he decided to bounce around it.  “Uhm, your jealousy—”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “I’ve been working on it.  That and my drinking, actually.  Realized that they might’ve been correlated a bit.”  Harry chuckled lightly, making light of the situation, so Louis decided to roll with it, laughing in response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You think?”  Harry just shrugged playfully.  “My—uh—my communication.  I’m going to change that.  I know it wasn’t the best when we were together, but I want to change that.  I want to be more open with you.  I want to fight for you this time, H, even if it's just as your friend.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry reached across the table, taking Louis’ hand in his own.  Louis looked at their hands and revelled in how it felt to be touching Harry again.  It had been so long since he had felt this comforting touch and it was almost too much for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Lou.”  Louis broke his attention from their touch and into Harry’s kind eyes.  “The communication wasn’t all you, Lou.  It was both our faults.  I should’ve talked to you more about how I was feeling.  I shouldn’t have just put them into songs and expected you to hear them.  That wasn’t fair to you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                The shorter lad shrugged noncommittedly.  “I should’ve been more available to listen, H.  I should’ve fought harder.  I should’ve been there more.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You did what you thought was keeping me safe.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “But I hurt you more than anything—”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “Because you wanted to protect me.  You were hurting too, Lou.  It wasn’t fair.  I was selfish.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Louis took in a breath, praying the tears in his eyes wouldn’t fall.  “If we’re going to start with communicating better, I’m not out yet, H.  And I won’t be for a while.  I’m still under a contract.  They still want me to be straight.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                Harry swallowed back the words he wanted to say and replaced them with more acceptable ones, “Oh, Lou.”</em>
</p><p><em>                “I just, I want you to know now.  Whatever this is going to be, I can’t come out yet.  I’m not </em>ready<em> to come out yet, H.  With my mum passing away and trying to write music when you’re fogging my brain, I just can’t come out right now, even if I was contractually able to.  You have to know that.”  Even with the effort he had put in, the tears began to flow freely.</em></p><p>
  <em>                Without a second thought, Harry was across the table and Louis was in his arms as they sunk to the floor.  Harry rocked the smaller boy, gripping him tightly as if he might disappear in front of his very eyes.  The younger man whispered reassurance in his ear until Louis had quieted down and stopped shaking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                It was comfortably silent for a while before Harry spoke.  “Whatever this is and whatever it turns into it, I’m not going to let it go.  I don’t care if you can’t come out yet or if you’re not ready.  I’m here for you this time like I should’ve been all those years.  I’m not going to pressure you or tell you what’s right or wrong.  I’m just here for you like I should’ve been.”  Louis smiled to himself.  “And if this turns into something else again, and you have to have another girlfriend, we’re going to get through it this time.  Because, honestly Louis, I can’t live my life without you.  I can’t wake up another day knowing that we’re not talking.  I miss you so much.  I miss your smile in the morning and your smelly feet.  I miss your laugh brightening up a room.  I miss it all.  I can’t not have you in my life anymore, Louis.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “You already said that, H.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                “I mean it, Lou.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>~</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Another video of Harry singing “From the Dining Table” auto-played on the television and Louis’ sobs grew heavier.  Cliff was on his lap whining, pawing at his dad trying to figure out what was wrong.  Unfortunately, Louis’ insecurities were something that his labradoodle couldn’t fix.</p><p>                Louis just listened to the lyrics that his boyfriend sang through the screen, listening to how his voice wavered on certain lines and it just destroyed Louis even more.  How couldn’t he have realized that he was destroying Harry that deeply?  How had he completely missed that Harry wasn’t happy and that they were becoming different people?  How had he missed Harry falling out of love with him?</p><p>                Was he so blinded by protecting him that he couldn’t see how much the stunts were hurting the love of his life?  Was he so focused on his own pain from having to hide that he forgot the other half of the equation?  All he had wanted was for Harry to get to be himself.  He wanted to take the heat for Harry, to preserve his innocence for as long as possible.  He didn’t want Harry to have a beard or change his personality.  He didn’t want someone to force masculinity on the boy, so he took the hit instead.  What he hadn’t seen was that while he was changing his public image, Louis was also changing himself, and he lost himself along the way.</p><p>                That thought brought another wave of sobs quaking through his body.  He had just wanted to give Harry the world, but he could never be good enough.  He never was in One Direction, why would that suddenly change now?</p><p>                “Louis?”</p><p>                The shorter lad jumped at the sudden intrusion, but quickly resumed his sobs when he saw the man himself standing in front of him.  Harry quickly ran to his crying boyfriend and pulled into his arms, holding him tightly.  Just as he did on that day four years ago, he rocked Louis gently, reassuring Louis that he was there and that he loved him.  Slowly, but surely, Louis calmed down, eyes red and cheeks raw.  Harry softly brushed away the wetness with his jumper sleeves, careful to not press too hard and hurt his boyfriend. </p><p>                “Louis, sunflower, what’s wrong?  What happened?”</p><p>                It took Louis a few minutes to collect his thoughts, nervous to sound stupid in front of Harry.  Through a hiccup, Louis answered, “I’m so sorry for hurting you so much, H.  I’m so sorry.”</p><p>                Harry, clearly confused, furrowed his brow, creasing it between his eyebrows; panic rose in Harry’s chest at the possibility of that statement.  He quickly took note of him performing “From the Dining Table” on the television.  “What are you talking about, Lou?  Did something happen?”</p><p>                “I—” Louis stopped to hiccup.  “I hurt you and ignored you being in pain all those years.  I mean—fuck!  Fuck, H.  You wrote a whole song convinced you didn’t have my whole heart.  That makes me a pretty shit boyfriend.  And I didn’t even know you did it until you told me months later!  I can’t believe I hurt you so bad.”</p><p>                Although Harry’s heart was still clenching at the sight of his broken Louis, the panic settled.  “Oh, sunflower, love.  That was years ago.  I forgave you so long ago, as you did with me.  We’re not like that anymore.”</p><p>                “But it still happened!  I still did it!  Who’s to say I won’t do it again?!”</p><p>                “I do!  I say you won’t do it again because you’re not the same person you were, and neither am I.”  Harry turned Louis around in his lap so he was facing him again. Harry took his boyfriend’s face between his massive hands.  “You are not the same Louis Tomlinson who had to become a completely different person to protect me.  You are Louis Tomlinson, who loves me and that I love.  You are kind, caring, and brave.  You are out and free to the world.  There are no more contracts that control who you can and cannot date.  There is no more secrets or rumours.  It’s just you and me.  You won’t do it again.”</p><p>                Louis just shook his head, his eyes downcast.  “How can you be so sure?”</p><p>                “Because I trust you, Lou.  I trust you with my entire being.”  Carefully, Harry leaned in, checking silently with Louis that it was okay for him to kiss him.  With no resistance, Harry closed the almost non-existent distance between them to bring their lips together.  It was a slow, steady kiss—one of those ones you shared tenderly between two people in love.  It was about comfort and forgiveness.  It was raw and pure.  It was what Louis had needed at this moment. </p><p>                When they had finally pulled away, Louis repositioned himself so that he was sitting with his back to Harry’s chest.  He pulled Harry’s arm over his shoulder, tracing the honeybee tattoo slowly.</p><p>                “You’re home early.  You told me ten.”</p><p>                “Sarah was bugging Mitch to pick her up dinner, so we went home early,” Harry explained slowly.  It was nagging at his brain so Harry proceeded, “Why were you watching me perform our sad songs?”</p><p>                Louis hummed, collecting his thoughts before he said, “Had a contestant audition today—really amazing voice.  You woulda loved her.  She was from Holmes Chapel and was real cheeky—reminded me a lot of a younger you.  And she sang ‘Just a Little Bit of Your Heart’ and it got me thinking about the song.  It especially got me thinking about your mindset when you wrote it.  And I was just reminded about how horrible of a boyfriend I had been to let you think you didn’t have all of me.”</p><p>                “Relationships are a two-way street, Lou.”</p><p>                Louis shrugged noncommittedly, “I know.  Then I came home and I had been thinking about that song all day and, I don’t know, I just felt like having a pity party.  Now here we are.”</p><p>                “Sunflower, you know that’s a bad idea.  You’ll spiral.”</p><p>                “I know,” Louis admitted defeatedly.  “I know I shouldn’t do that to myself, but, H, it’s just—I don’t know.  It kills me that your albums are filled with songs about how much I hurt you.  Every time I hear one, I’m reminded of the pain you had to suffer at my expense and there’s nothing I can do to change it.”</p><p>                A concentrated look appeared on Harry’s face as he seemed to study his boyfriend.  “Well, you’re right.  There is nothing you can do about it, but there’s more than just those songs on there, Lou.  You were more than a person to write my breakup songs about.”</p><p>                “What are you talking about?”</p><p>                “Pass me the remote.”  And Louis did.  He watched as Harry began to scroll through the playlist Louis had been on until he came across the video he must’ve been looking for.  Louis recognized it instantly as Harry’s Madison Square Garden performance.  The familiar cords of “If I Could Fly” came through the speakers gently and Louis instantly relaxed.</p><p>                He remembers being at this show and how happy he was to be watching Harry perform again.  He was surrounded by Harry’s family—his family—and it had just been the perfect evening with the people he loved.</p><p>                Louis watched intently as Harry sang the lyrics until they came up to the part where Harry shushed the crowd.  It was only slightly annoying to watch as the fans disregarded his boyfriend’s pleas for their silence.  He counted the crowd to take the bridge and he looked up, watching someone in one of the VIP boxes.  It was him.  Louis remembered the moment so well—time had slowed down completely and he just stared.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>                Harry paused the video on himself looking up at Louis, before whispering in his ear, “You’re my inspiration for so much more than break up songs.  You gave me the feeling and love to write ‘If I Could Fly.’  You gave me the happiness to write ‘Canyon Moon’ and ‘Sweet Creature.’  You have given me so much happiness, Lou, so much more happiness than sadness.  Yes, we’ve had our bumpy part in our relationship, but you still continue to make me the happiest man in the world.  And if I get a few depressing singles out of it, then it is so completely worth it.”</p><p>                “I love you, Haz.”</p><p>                “And I love you, Lou.”</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>                “Hello, love!  How are you doing today,” Louis questioned, looking at the girl on the stage in front of him.  She was smiling a wide grin his way, her eyes twinkling in the stage lights.</p><p>                “I’m doing amazing now that I’m here!”</p><p>                “That’s what I like to hear.  What’s your name?  Tell us about yourself a bit.”</p><p>                “My name’s Maya; I’m 21 years old and I’m from Manchester.  I’m a student at Manchester University studying psychology,” the girl—Maya—responded giddily.</p><p>                Louis grinned, loving the confidence she exhibited.  “Important question.  Are you a Man United or Man City fan?”</p><p>                Maya rolled her eyes like it was obvious.  “Is that even a question?  Red Devils all the way, Louis.”  The crowd laughed, as well as the other judges at the table.</p><p>                “And, uh, what will you be singing for us today, Maya,” asked Simon.</p><p>                The girl looked at Louis shyly, “I’m going to be singing ‘If I Could Fly’ by One Direction actually.”</p><p>                “Ah, alright!  I love this one!  Go on, then, smash it,” exclaimed Louis excitedly.  Maybe there were some songs out there that Louis didn’t necessarily like, but God, were there some that he loved.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If you liked this, feel free to reblog on <a href="https://givemelarrylikeher.tumblr.com/post/621914029777092608/be-the-first-one-to-break-winterschild-one">tumblr</a></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading part two of the X Factor Series.  I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  There is more coming in this series, so make sure to stay tuned if you'd like more from this series.</p><p>A special shout out to Jade for being an Easter egg and Sab for helping me making this a better story.</p><p>If you would like, feel free to drop a comment, leave a kudos, or bookmark for future use!  You can pop over to my profile to see more of my works with various versions of Louis and Harry.</p><p>As always, remember to stay safe, wash your hands, and treat people with kindness.</p><p>~winterschild</p></blockquote></div></div>
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